For a moment when I woke up this morning, I forgot where I was. I imagined I was at home in bed and my head went straight to what day is it?…what schedule do I have to follow? Just for a moment.
And then my eyes adjusted and took in the room. And then just like that I realized where I was. And why.
So here I sit in a lonely Kansas hotel room thinking about the last 24 hours. I want a do over.
My older sister is gone. She is gone. I had to say that to my brother yesterday. I had to tell my family. I had to call everyone. I had to fill out papers. Take charge.
I flew to her side because I wanted to be here 'just in case', but man, oh man. I never thought it would really be the case.
She never go the chance to fight her cancer. For whatever reason, she was taken from us far too soon. I will struggle with that FOREVER.
I keep trying to wrap my head around the many coincidences about yesterday that seemed to fall into place and make that day 'work' for what happened. Justify it. How it just so happened that I had to put off my trip to L.A. for another time. How it just so happened that my brother and his wife were up in Wisconsin visiting my parents so that THANK GOD, somebody was with them.
But try and explain that to her children.
God, those mysterious ways are evident – but I don't understand.
Just like that she is gone.
So I will go through periods of wracking sobs and really functional moments and I will get done what needs to get done.
I didn't know I was saying goodbye to her, when my last words to her were, 'I love you'. I just didn't know. But I thank God for working through me so that I will hold that one memory close forever. I thank God I was here. But at present that's all I've got for Him.
I love you, Carole.